I Climbed Mount Everest Like the Crybaby I Am
Hello and Happy Lent to you all. I hope you’re ready to kick your own butt this lent, for the love of God.
This is another post on working out. I’m sorry if you’re getting bored but I need to talk about this. You can always count it as an act of penance if it bores you that much. See? I will help you get to Heaven.
In some ways, working out has been getting easier. But then the trainers switch everything up, and I find myself looking like a complete clown.
Here are three examples.
1. Resistance Bands.
|Nice to meet you.|
You know what they are, right? They’re like giant rubber bands that you exercise with, and sometimes they scare me.
There’s all different ways to work out with these, but the one that really fills me with irrational fear is when I have to stand inside it. Every time I do that I think: here goes. I am going to fling across the room and crash into the mirrored wall in front of everyone.
Please God, spare me from this physically and emotionally painful humiliation.
First a question: WHY? WHY the pillars??
Ok, I know why. Because they’re amazing.
But they’re also a unique brand of torture, especially for a fatty like me.
There’s something about holding yourself up on the floor like an Oscar statue that really builds your strength, even though you’re panting and crying like Scooby Doo while it happens.
3. Mountain Climbers and Squat Thrusts.
I have one resounding thought when presented with the either of these exasperating moves, and it is : Please just shoot me now. These are…I don’t know, they’re not even human. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty certain that mountain climbers are what dogs do to cover their business.
|It’s only poop. Try not to fly into an indignant rage about it.|
When I watch the trainers demonstrate them, I think: OH, how incredibly fun and easy-looking! Pffft, I CAN DO THAT!
And then I try to do it and the reality of what I’m incapable of slaps me in the back of the thighs like a giant horsewhip.
|Friendly Tip: Please never type in the word “horsewhip” on google images. Just trust me on this.|
The Horsewhip of Reality was especially painful yesterday morning, when Trainer Baby Jesus brought out these plastic sliders. They look like furniture sliders, but you put your feet on them.
|“Oh ladeedahDAH, working out is so easy for me and I love mountain climbers!!”
(to be sung in a Ron Burgundy voice)
Trainer Baby Jesus demonstrated how to use them. He put his hands flat on the ground, his feet on the sliders, and began doing mountain climbers in a smooth fashion that looked so fun I was actually excited to try it.
If only I knew what suffering awaited me.
When you’re working out circuit-style, you don’t have a lot of time to play around in between exercises. You have to move fast, so if you waste time trying to figure out how work a piece of equipment then you might cheat yourself out of an opportunity to work yo butt off.
You stay with your group of 3 or 4 people, and you and your group switch to a different thing every minute or so. I haven’t had too many problems doing this.
Until the sliders.
Here’s the thing: I could not even get my feet onto them.
I put my hands firmly on the floor, but when I went to step on the sliders, my feet would slip and my legs would go flying. Then my sliders would go flying somewhere behind me.
Meanwhile, the people in my group were doing mountain climbers as if they were rapidly scaling Mount Everest. At one point, I was sadly laying there on my stomach, watching my peers climb and climb away.
I tried to look busy when Baby Jesus came by, but he wasn’t fooled.
“Okay Heather, why don’t you try these instead?” he said patiently, demonstrating for me the world’s most rudimentary mountain climber.
Again, I foolishly thought, “OH! That one’s easy! I can do that!”
If only I would stop thinking.
I. Almost. Died. doing mountain climbers. Fake mountain climbers. Crybaby mountain climbers for crybabies like me.
But here’s the good news: I did it! At least…mostly.
And when I went to weigh in this week, I discovered I’d lost 4.2 pounds this week!!! That makes a total of 7.4 pounds in two weeks!!!
See? It’s okay if you climb Mount Everest like a crybaby, as long as it’s really the best you can do. Really, as far as fitness goes, doing something is always, always better than doing nothing.