Two weeks ago today, my family got the flu.
Wait. Let me pour myself a nice big glass of wine.
That ain’t gonna be big enough.
Or how about this:
That seems right.
So. The flu. We had it.
Fevers, chills, muscle aches, coughing, colds, exhaustion, pukes. We got the value meal deal and it was terrible.
When Mia – who is two – got it, she screamed and cried and arched her back so much that we eventually had to go to the hospital.
Here’s the thing. I HATE going to the hospital. Mainly because germs.
I mean, think about this. When you go to the hospital, you are bringing your child and yourself into a hotbed – an actual breeding ground – of germs.
Oh mah gaaaaah. Just the thought of it practically gives me hives.
So many germs. All waiting to attach themselves to you. And your children.
This is why when I go to the pediatrician’ office and I see toys, I literally want to punch someone in the face.
WHO thinks of this?!!! WHO thinks it would be a good idea to set a bunch of germ catchers out in the ped’s office so that the kids leave with more colds and flus and frickin MRSA?!
I mean, the stress of that? On the moms who bring their kids in? Do people even get what that’s like?!?
I’ll tell you what it’s like (but you probably know already). I’ll tell you what I have to do in order to survive at the pediatrician’s office.
I have to corrale my kids like a bunch of little statues. In a busy waiting room!!! A waiting room where germs are running around rampant – on floors and walls and chairs and all the objects everywhere . I make my children huddle together, cigarette style, while other children play happily with bright and shiny flu toys.
Maybe it seems crazy controlling for me to act that way, but that’s only because you don’t understand that I’m being a HERO. Yeah, I am. A hero in disguise. I’m an honorable captain standing at the helm of my ship, staving off the pirates of the Carribean, baby!!
Look at me! I represent all mothers as we strive to keep cold and flu and all bad germs away from our families! We are warriors!! We’re on the front lines!!!
So, yeah. That’s what many of us do in the doctor’s waiting room.
Then you wonder why moms be lookin all hella furious when the nurse finally calls our names.
But I think I have a solution.
It’s not really new. But it has never been used in the capacity that I’m imagining it could be.
Let me ask you a question. What would you say if I told you that I could protect you and your family from germs FOREVER?
Okay, maybe not forever.
Let me asks you another question. Do you remember David, the boy who lived in a bubble? Circa 1970’s? Couldn’t be around germs at all?
It’s a bubble!!!! A bubble that you can travel in!!
And look! It’s powered by remote control!
OH HOLLA – LOOYA JAYZUS!!!
We gotz a miracle!
Gone are the days of touching doorknobs and railings and snaggin up all the germs! No. Now you can just press your remote and doors will open for you!
Now, understand that men would never drive around in one of these bubbles. No way. My husband would never step foot in one.
But that’s okay! Besides, you’d have one remote control all to yourself!! How bout that?Huh? HUH?!?!
And as far as signing in at the doctor’s?
Well. We can’t fix everything.
But for real..we gotta nix the pens and pencils, people. Maybe we can each carry our own special stamper. Or laminated passes. Or DUH – personal ID.
WHY ARE WE SIGNING IN?!?
I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m just sick and tired of germs.
So, what do you do? How do you prevent your kids from picking up more germs at the doc’s office? Hand sanitizer? Lysol wipes? Baggies on their hands?!?! Mama gotta know!