This one goes out to a woman named Maidenbirth, who emailed me in the middle of the night asking me to finally update my blog because she just had a baby and needs some reading material. Haha I love my readers! You guys are fantastic.
I’ve been super busy with homeschooling AND (drumrollll) I opened a shop called Honeychild Forest! More on that in another post:)
Now, a lot of people might be scandalized by the dog picture in my last post, to which I say “oh don’t even try and pretend that your leg has never gotten humped by a dog before.” Look, it happens to the best of us and it’s not your fault. Humpers gonna hump. It’s what they DO.
Today I will finally offer some closure on my pet story.
As I stated before, last year at this same time I was going through a cancer scare (emphasis on SCARE! Only a scare). I actually had two biopsies ..one in October, which was an in – office needle core biopsy , during which I cried like a sad little baby while silently and carefully selecting the songs for my funeral.
After waiting several days and living on mostly chocolate and coffee and only the most exquisite dollar menu fare (I’m lookin at YOU, McDonalds jalapeño burger) I learned I would have to have another biopsy, this one at the hospital with anesthesia and all that, which would not happen until early December. SO FUN RIGHT?!
So for anyone who thinks I was being a drama queen during that time? I say to you: YOU’RE a drama queen.
LA LA LALAAAAA anyway! Let’s talk about dogs.
I have freely admitted here that my go-to relief plan during stressful times is prayer, relationships and hitting up Craigslist Pets with an abnormal frequency. More of a fury, really.
I was hoping for a dappled shorthaired wiener dog. I don’t know. You tell me I might have cancer, and I guess I just reach for the stars. “Live Like You Were Dying,” right?! Thanks Tim McGraw! I’ll make the most of my life by adopting a dog with hardly any legs in a house with lots of stairs.
Then one evening, when I was scrolling and scrolling and scrolling madly away like a woman with only a few months left to live, I saw an ad for a Weimaraner. SEE? KIND OF like “wiener”, but NOT. Like NOT at ALL. But I was interested, because weimaraners are those cool grey ghost dogs with light eyes. They’re beautiful.
This one was a senior dog who needed to be rehomed because the owner’s family dynamics were changing and making it difficult for the them to keep him. The owner was very heartbroken over rehoming him because he had been like her baby for eight years. She really just wanted a family for him to live with and be loved by.
After several in-depth conversations (“what’s your dog’s favorite color?” “Has he ever been to Paris?”) she decided to drop Jake off for a weekend at our house.
It was perfect! He was so well behaved. Not like Shiloh the Offending Urinator at all. Jake peed outdoors only and didn’t leap over the fence. He was great with the kids, great with babies, great with everyone.
So we decided to keep him and it’s been a happy ending for everyone.
Now, a year later, I can see that yes, Jake has a few flaws.
He likes eating out of the garbage. This dog act like don’t nobody ever feed his raggedy ass. He tries to steal food whenever possible. It doesn’t matter if you swat him with the newspaper or yell at him in a shaming way or send him out in the yard during meals or try to bear hug the thievery right out of him while rocking him in your lap and whispering positive affirmations into his ears. You turn your back for five seconds and this dog is gonna house your food. That’s just the way it is.
It’s just not right.
The second flaw is that he’s a big baby, mostly during rainstorms.
It’s nighttime, the kids are finally all on a good sleeping schedule, and no baby is nonstop nursing like they’re dehydrated in a desert. You think it would be a nice night for some marital lovin? WRONG. NFP Dog (JAKE) is about to bust out all his moves.
NFP dog is super needy. He loves to be loved, and there won’t be any other kinda lovin while he’s underfoot. NO SIR! He’ll do anything to stop it! He’ll jump on the bed and lay there between you and Spousey like a dead weight, all 75 lbs of him. He’ll stroll down to the kitchen and rummage around in the garbage can in his famous way while you wonder if the house is being burglarized.
He’ll start barking at one am, just as you’re making the quiet death roll towards your beloved in hopes of some nighttime frisk. He’ll break open the bedroom door, making obscene displays of himself while you both shout at him to “KNOCK THAT OFF, JAKE!!” “YEAH JAKE STOP THAT NOW!!” From atop your perfectly made love bed. Jake don’t care about that. He just cleans himself and cleans himself wherever he wants and it’s impossible to ignore when you’re feeling so repulsed.
Hey, maybe you and your spouse would appreciate a dog like NFP dog. BUT YOU CAN’T HAVE OUR DOG. Because even though he has a few annoying traits, he’s mostly amazing.
I used to kind of make fun of people who treated their dogs like babies. I can promise that Jake will never be carried around in my purse dressed in a feathery boa and a fluffy tutu and he’ll never sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap at the local mall.
Is there anything worse than the mall Easter bunny? ONLY DEATH IS WORSE.
But one day last November, I was sitting on my bed crying like a little girl, worrying about my health. Jake walked into my room, sat on my bed and laid his head on my lap. And he sat with me and didn’t leave until I was all done crying.
So now I get it. I get why people love their dogs so much.
Jake protects our family with his crazy barking and intimidating stare, he lets the kids lay all over him and let’s the toddler sit on his back while she “reads” him stories and chase him around the house and he never gets mean. He wakes up with Dan when he gets up for work and lays next to him when he has his coffee each morning. He’s the perfect pet. He’s funny, and when he smiles, I’m not joking – he looks exactly like Clint Eastwood.
You can’t get a better pet than that:)